Ep 34 Estranged Moms and the Holidays | Finding Joy, Faith, and Hope in Hard Seasons

The holidays can deepen the ache of estrangement. In this episode, Nicole Coates shares how estranged moms can navigate the holiday season with honesty, faith, and gentleness. Through the story of Mary and the unexpected realities of motherhood, Nicole offers encouragement for mothers carrying grief, unanswered prayers, and disrupted dreams. You’ll hear practical ways to protect your heart, set healthy boundaries, stay connected to safe community, and allow joy to exist without guilt—even in the midst of loss.

00:00 Embracing Joy and Grace

00:10 Embroidery Adventures and Holiday Preparations

01:59 Reflecting on Motherhood and Mary

05:50 Finding Joy in Unexpected Places

08:03 Navigating the Holidays with Estrangement

09:18 Practical Tips for the Holiday Season

12:48 Concluding Thoughts and Holiday Wishes

Transcript

0:00

When Joy shows up, receive it like grace. It's not a betrayal. It's God's gift to you because you deserve to live with joy.

Speaker 2: 0:10

Hey guys. Welcome back. I started embroidering, I don't know, like a month ago, maybe a month and a half. I decided I was gonna learn. I got this kid on Amazon because I was thinking I could do Christmas gifts with it. Like just adding a personal touch I don't wanna buy gifts just to buy a gift, I wanted it to be more intentional, so I was like, I'll start embroidering. I could do like little tea towels or I could do little things and, but you guys, like, I don't have time for that. So I did not, I'm not learning anything. I've not learned you guys. And if you follow me on social media, then you've seen some of the updates. And they're not pretty, they're not pretty you guys. But we are. Today's, I'm recording this on Monday. Christmas is Thursday. We are three days away from Christmas. I haven't started any of the gifts, but I'm gonna start tonight. I'm gonna start you guys. And, and I think I haven't learned all the stitches, but how hard could it be? I feel like what I've learned this last year is it doesn't really matter what you know how to do. It just matters how hard you try. It's actually not true, but what I have learned is I don't really know how to do anything, and I'm not really good at learning. I'm good at learning while I do. So I'm just gonna, just gonna do it. I've got the tea towels, I ironed the pattern on the tea towels. I've got a, I got a soap like soap pack from Costco, and I'm gonna just embroider a couple little flowers and a letter on the corner of the T towel, and then I'm gonna wrap and around the soap. That will be lovely, right? How hard can it be? I can do it. I believe in myself. It's gonna be kind of comical you guys, but it's the thought that counts, right? It's the thought that counts. So that's the update you didn't ask for. But I'm filling you in on, so let's dive into talking about the holidays today.

nicole: 1:59

What was on my heart to talk about this week was Mary, I always think about Mary and I think about motherhood. And so many different layers of motherhood. But my motherhood experience outside of estrangement has been nothing that I expected. And honestly, I don't know that I've ever talked to anybody who their motherhood experience looks exactly like they expected because we, how do we have a realistic expectation of what to expect when we, it's something so foreign. I always think about Mary because I think about. How we box ourselves in and we let the shame and like we failed mentality get loud, especially when we're walking through estrangement because it doesn't look like how we expected it to look like. But there is also this layer of beauty in that motherhood doesn't look like what we expected it to look like. And I think about, I mean, the Bible is full of examples of how things aren't. What we expect or what they expected. Um, but Mary, obviously this time of year, I just, I think there's like this one Christian song. It's like, Mary did, you know? And I think about that on like so many different layers. And I think about culturally, I wish I was a little bit more educated on what did it life look like for her? So she's engaged, is she preparing for a wedding? How soon was their wedding? How long had they been engaged? Surely as she imagined her life where she's preparing for her wedding, she's not prepared to be pregnant with baby Jesus. Like she's not prepared to encounter an angel and have this holy experience. And yet, like how she handled it was so beautiful and I, it's been said, you know, you could say like, oh, well it's, it probably was easier. Like if an angel appeared before you, it probably would be easier to navigate some things in motherhood. And I mean, that's fair. I get that. But I just think how much of her life looked different from that moment forward? Then she imagined it. The talk amongst the town. Did everyone know that an angel came to her and that she was pregnant with God's child? Or did everyone just assume it was Joseph's? And so was there talk and chatter around? Was she being judged? I feel, I assume, yes. I'm not a theologian and I have not researched this. I am making assumptions and. And then I wonder if she worried about how Joseph would respond, okay, she's pregnant, and, but like, how did, do you think she worried about how Joseph was gonna respond to this news? So I think about all of those things about how they weren't what she expected, like her wedding day now would no longer look like what she expected. And even motherhood with Jesus wasn't obviously what she expected and his life ending the like. It wasn't what she expected. And I think that I, we just finished watching. I. I'm going from the Bible to talking about a Chevy Chase movie, but we just finished watching the National Lampoons Christmas and at the, like he has a right, he has his little mental breakdown when he doesn't get his bonus'cause he can't put his pool in. But then the boss comes and says, I made a mistake. And you can have your bonus times 20 or plus 20% and then everyone's celebrating and it's like the movie ends and all as well. And I was thinking, again, because I'm thinking about things expected and unexpected, like he expected to get the bonus. He didn't get the bonus, he had a crash out. And the only thing that made him happy was then getting the bonus. And my thought was, as Christian mothers walking through estrangement, what if we still experience joy? Even in the unexpected and the disappointment and the sadness, what if we can continue to work on getting to a place where our joy is not tied to reconciliation with our kids? I know in some seasons of estrangement, that's doesn't even seem possible, and I feel I, I probably sound insane for saying that, and you couldn't disagree more, and you feel like, how could I ever find any joy? Without my kids, and I get that and that's fair. But I'm also here to push you a little bit and to encourage you a little bit, and that's not what the Lord wants for us. The Bible is full of unexpected stories and twists and turns and things being disrupted, and plans being changed and. The ending looks different than anyone thought. It's full of questioning and doubting and wishing things were different. Our experience in motherhood is no different, but what God's calling us to do is to find our source of happiness, find our source of joy, our source of purpose in Him and him alone. And the reason he does that is because our kids are gonna disappoint us. Our families are gonna disappoint us. People are gonna disappoint us. The only for sure thing in this ever changing world and navigating motherhood is the Lord is constant. He is. Our hope, he is our joy and I just don't want us to miss out on what God has for us because'cause of things going differently than we expected them to. Estrangement is one of the most unexpected and misunderstood journeys that you can walk. It's painful. It doesn't have a timeline. It doesn't have a neat explanation that we can work our brains around. Um. You're still a mom, but your role has changed and it feels suspended, and during the holidays, I know that that ache can be louder. I know that you're seeing other families together. I know you're seeing your, your old traditions and you're making those decisions of do I continue that tradition? Do I pause that tradition? Do I start a new tradition because. When they, your child will reenter into your life is so unknown. So how do you make those plans? And none of that is easy, friend. None of that is easy. I know you're carrying a lot of grief. But just like God entrusted Mary with something holy in the middle of her uncertainty, he is still working in your life, even if you can't see it yet. Some things that I had, put together for how to help you navigate this holiday season. Um. One of the things is releasing expectations. Obviously, I just talked this whole time about unexpected things, looking un how you didn't things, looking how you didn't expect. But holidays come with a lot of pressure to be joyful, to be festive, to be productive, to be social, and you're allowed to opt out. You don't have to attend all the gatherings, and you don't also have to explain why, and you don't have to perform. To show up, to make other people comfortable, but also isolation can further a spiral. So pray about it. Check your motions, see if there's a way that you can, are you staying in, in, to, you know, heal, to protect yourself a little bit? Or are you isolating? Kind of check your gauge on that and see where you're at. I know we talked about this with the Thanksgiving episode, but a lot of questions can come across as well-meaning. So have an answer prepared. Like when someone says, have you heard from them? Or Have things resolved, or what happened? A simple phrase that you can use is this season, this season is tender for me and I'm taking time from my heart right now. It's not something I'm prepared to talk about. And that, that just sets a really strong boundary and people will respect that because remember, they don't know what to say and what not to say, and they're struggling in that same way as well. Um. Well, not as well, but they're struggling with, do I say something? Do I not say something? And they don't quite know how to navigate it. So when you actually have a good statement like that, that helps them know how to navigate the conversations in the now or in the future. Um, we talked about a little bit about the isolation and gauging that, But staying rooted in a safe community. So your support group, your faith-based community, make sure you set up check-ins so that you're not isolating during the holiday season. And remember that when you're praying, you don't have to have it all together, that God can handle your hard hurt feelings. He can handle your grief, he can handle your anger, and he will navigate. This season with you and guide you in all of it, but let him be your anchor and sit at his feet and just hand it all over to him. He is strong enough to hold it all I feel like this might be the most important one, and one that's easy for us to put on the back burner, but let Joy come without guilt. If you laugh, it doesn't mean that you've forgotten your child. If you feel at peace, it doesn't mean that you have stopped loving them. Joy and grief can coexist when joy shows up. Receive it like grace. It's not a betrayal. It's God's gift to you because you deserve to live with joy and your joy, the source of your joy comes from him. So it doesn't have to define what's going on in the relationship you have with your kids. It gets, it's defined by the relationship you have with the Lord. So if you're experiencing joy, it's coming from the Lord

Speaker: 12:47

this holiday season. I hope that you remember that God will meet you in the unexpected.

nicole: 12:52

I hope you have a blessed rest of your year. I hope that you can look back and find God in the small things and see how he's really shown up for you, even when it feels like things are messy. I think we see gad show up in really cool ways in the messiest of seasons, and so I'm hoping that for you, I hope that you have that perspective. Thanks for being here. And I always thank you for your emails and your support because they really do mean so, so, so much to me. Um, and so it's so helpful to hear how the Lord's using me, um, to touch your hearts. So I'm grateful for you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And I hope you couldn't hear my kids yelling in the background of this episode because they're already on Christmas break and hyped up on candy, and so they're yelling in the background and I'm really hoping that my microphone is not catching it. So anyways, love you guys.